WORLD'S BEST ONE-LINER-COP-OUT

You know when a guy asks you out and you don't really want to go out with him? I mean, he is nice, and a great guy, and has a.....um....a sweet spirit?

Yeah. You know the type.

Translation: You're not interested.

So what is a girl to do?? Do you REALLY want to crush heart into smithereens by saying "No thanks."?  And do you REALLY want to grin-and-bear-it through dinner and polite small talk while simultaneously dropping courteous hints like T-mobile drops calls BUT STILL retaining a cordial air and tone??  

(And to think that I actually considered my differential equations class to be stressful, complicated and full of too many variables...)

Well ladies, this is when I praise the high heavens that I can honestly use the phrase:

"I'm sorry, but I'm dating someone."

Love it.

He can't take it personal, no bad feelings between both of you, and best of all: you don't feel like some heartless beast.  So great.  

Hope you can truthfully use it too.  

Best wishes in the dating game,

Sarah

IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME

A few months ago I, rather dramatically, dedicated a post to my new bf of the semester: my major.

Haha. Now, I laugh.

"Trading men for matrices and flirting for free body diagrams" ? 

Try: Traded Studying for Spencer.

And after being force fed hundreds of equations and still having outputs of "C" on my tests, I think it is time for us to take a break.

I am here this afternoon to publicly denounce that title of boyfriend.
Especially with two weeks left in the semester.

Mechanical Engi....who? 

I dropped him like he's hot.*  

 It's ok, I applied for all my scholarships this week so I could use my good GPA before it TANKS after finals.




*Don't freak.
I'm not changing my major.

WHAT YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY AT THE DOORSTEP

I cannot resist sharing this story with you.
It was completely unintentional...
Don't judge.


It all started because of this little piece of metal:

sorry for the mirror image.  Photo Booth tends to do that.

ONE EVENING The boy next door dropped me off, and I couldn't unlock my door because my gloves that were keeping my hands warm {I know right? isn't that supposed to be his job?} made me extra clumsy.

Being the gentleman that we all know him to be, he offered to open my door for me.  P.S. LOVE the chivalry.

BND: "Which key is it?"

[admittedly, I wasn't thinking properly.]

Sarah: "Uh, the one that says 'DO NOT REPRODUCE'."

[the awkward silence ensued. That was error numero uno.]

BND: "Oh, you mean, "do not DUPLICATE'?" 

Sarah's thoughts: dang. I REALLY hope that wasn't a Freudian on my part. Smooth Sarah, smooth.

Sarah: "Whatever. Just stick it in."

[More awkward silence.  That was error numero dos]

Sarah's thoughts: CRAP. crapcrapcrap. Just stick the KEY in the LOCK.  Sarah, you IDIOT!"

[I look over to realize that BND is silently laughing. Of course, he can't keep it in forever]

BND: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I am sure you can fill in the rest.  Needless to say there was a major laughing fit for a solid 6 minutes.

Moral of the story:

Know what the text on your keys actually says.

Never use vague pronouns like "it" after a Freudian.

And with that considered, you should be safe at your next doorstep scene.

AWKWARD TURTLE

Just pondering on the whole dating hoopla.... 

Just humor me and read this post.

Please.

The Background:  You are pretty sure the interest is mutual between one another.  There has been no DTR, however.  And ZERO physical affection.

.........................................

Situation #1: The DTR.  Hour car ride on the freeway to date destination.  

"So, uh. Us. I mean I kinda like you.  And I guess you kinda like me.  So. Ya....etc."[I have to resort to finishing this conversation with an "etc." because it would cause me so much pain to type out the rest of that dialogue.]

AWKWARD.

Situation #2: The Pause. The night is still young, but still a reasonable time to part separate ways and go home. But there seems to be evidence that neither party wants to leave-- or be brave and suggest plans to continue the night.

"So.... I guess.... I will see you....... tomorrow then....[leaving ample space for the other to interject a second conversation topic.  You don't catch on.]....Ok. Bye. " [leaves car to enter house] 

AWKWARD.

Situation #3:  Doorstep. Need I say more?

AWKWARD.

Situation #4: The Movie.  Note: this is a good thing that the night didn't continue on, otherwise this would have inevitably been the default activity.  Do you sit close? Hold hands? Let him put his arm around you? Sit on separate couches?

[Both sit with arms crossed with a 10-bible-thick-separation]

AWKWARD.

Situation #5: The Matchmaker Roommate.  While having polite conversation, the roommate comes in an starts serenading both of you on the piano.

"What is that you are playing?"

"Improv.  For you two." [both avoid eye contact with each other]

AWKWARD. 

Situation #6: The Second Date. The first one went well. He calls for a second. "Hey, would you like to go out on Saturday night?"  In response to this long awaited call, you forget to mask your ecstatic emotions and boldly reply with an intense:

"YES." [The silence between you is as thick as the sweater that your grandmother knitted you for Christmas] 

with little explanation, or a statement like "yeah, that sounds fun." 

Just, "YES."

AWKWARD.

Note for the reader:  These are a mix of real-life and imagined situations.  Moral of the story?  Pre-DTR is--yup, you guessed it,

 AWKWARD.

 

 

HE'S NOT MY TYPE

if he says any of the following questions on a first date:

1. So... is there anything that you aren't excellent at? No.  There isn't. (GOSH how in the WORLD do you want me to answer that one and preserve my dignity?!?)
2. Where do you get your style from? Not your mom I am assuming... My mother is actually pretty classy.  Unlike your manners and questions...
3. Do you have any strong political opinions you want to discuss? No.
4. What do you want out of life? Lots of money with little or no work, trophy husband, and a city named after me. What about you?
5. So mechanical engineering, huh? What do you want to do with that? Is this a trick question?
6. So uh, you want a career then? I hate children and I can't cook. I like to focus on my strengths.
7. What do you value in life? See answer #4 above
8. Are you REALLY happy with your life? Uhhhhh.....
9. Have you heard of [insert obscure philosopher's name] and his theory on [insert philosophical topic] ?? no comment.
10. What is your opinion on philosophy? That it is a inferior subject compared to math and music....  

...OH. That's your MAJOR?! I would have never guessed.

......................................................................

I like to think that I live by a set of philosophies...er, um, bad word... "Guiding Principles"  Stuff like, ya know:

• Don't shop at a place that intentionally spells their name wrong. (i.e. a gas station named "Qwik Stop")

• Studying is overrated right before a test.  If you don't know it by now then you won't learn it over night so just get some rest.

• Take as long of a lunch break as you need to recuperate before returning to work.

• Always cook rice in a rice cooker.  They are cheap, and SO MUCH EASIER AND EFFICIENT than the stove.

• Always use your blinker.  It is just courteous.

• Never vote straight ticket.  There are idiots on both sides.

AND now I add a new one to the list:

• Don't go out with philosophers.*

*This has been backed up by more than one male.  I have a good sample size, don't you worry. And this is NOT the pie-shake-tuxedo-man, fyi. 

EATING MY OWN WORDS

So as I was at Sammy's eating their ever-famous pie shakes which I happen to

LOVE LOVE LOVE...

{The pumpkin pie flavor is absolute bliss}

sammyscafe.blogspot.com

and I decided that maybe

just maybe...



...first dates aren't all that bad.



There. I said it.

Consider the following:

showed up at my door in a tux.  (refer to my opinion on classy atire in a previous post).took me to the symphony. sat in the perfect side balcony seats. easy conversation. pie shakes at sammys. planned yet spontaneous. he wants a 2nd chance at another date because he claims he didn't ask me in enough advance. 

Uhhh, lemme think. Deal.

I may be the math geek, but I still think you guys can add this one up.

HOW TO GET A DATE IN THE LIBRARY

I have refined this to a science.

Ok fine. I know.  I need to stop relating my social life to the subjects I am studying.

But hey, my theories prove true.

When selecting a table to study at in the library, one must:

1. Check the left hand. (Sorry, but this is BYU, folks.)
2. Check for good looks
3. Check the body language of the girl next to him (if the case may be, it might be his girlf)
4. Glance at the titles of his textbooks in order to make a decision on his intellectuality.
5. Yes, this can be considered profiling. Shoot me.

All within a matter of microseconds. This is tough work!

That isn't an exaggeration, either.  There are lots of guys, uh, "tables" to scope out.

Oh, and once you are seated, 

     6. Make sure your study area looks available and welcoming.

Does this barrier of books, TI-84 and MacBook look sexy?

That's what I thought.  I thought I was doing a great job of warding off my fellow male classmates.  Not particularly in the mood for dating....

Don't give me weird looks. 

 I don't have to take my own advice

 on date shopping in the HBLL.

Anyways. I "picked the right table" on accident.

An econ major.  (The barrier was made of my Econ 110 textboks)

I had to rip off a corner of my econ assignment to write down my number for him.

That's what you get for studying in the periodical section, folks.

TIPS FOR OPTIMIZING DATING

All I need to know about 

maximizing my dating 

can be explained 

by simple

principles of economics.

Consider a situation where someone is trying to decide whether or not to continue dating their significant other...  There are a few questions one might want to ponder before executing an action.

1. Is there anything more to be gained from the relationship? (Is there more you can learn about the other person? Is there more you can learn from the other person? )

2. Would you still find it worth your time to continue dating said person?

If you say yes, continue dating.  You haven't maxed out in benefit. If you say no, then you should either break up with the person or marry them because the cost of dating said person has outweighed the benefits. 

So simple. I heart economics.

But then the individual always says:

"But I have invested so much in (insert name here)!"

or in more common
 young adult language:

"But we are such good friends
and have spent so much time together!"

To that, economics has yet another simple answer:

Sunk costs are irrelevant.

Translation: that which was spent in the past is nonrecoverable and can never affect marginal cost benefit analysis.  Or, in three words: History is bunk.

And that is the cold-hearted, hard-nosed, 

economical truth.

Author's note:  I don't wholeheartedly believe this.  Simply put, this principle is monumental in helping girls understand how their business-minded ex could justify dumping them like that [snap fingers]...

Girl, I've only got one thing to say to ya: an economist's analytical skills are WHACK. 

UPDATING MY RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

Mechanical engineering is my boyfriend.

This decision was made rather quickly after seeing the syllabuses (syllabi? What is the correct plural form of "syllabus"?) in my engineering classes today.

I have no time for romances

To get emotionally tied down

Or to even have a social life

For that matter.

I will be trading: 

     dates for derivatives

            men for matrices

                 guys for graphing calculators

                      & flirting for free body diagrams

          

Here, I dedicate my semester to you, my dear Major of Engineering.

My 

time

energy

blood

sweat 

tears

mind

heart

& soul.

My life.

AINT LOVE GRAND?

I am determined that my dating/social life can be explained by science and mathematics.  Today, I take a more natural approach...

...by applying principles of biology.
{after all, this is what I did all summer}

Consider the competition for mates amongst animals--

Males put on a show (think peacock)

or battle (see below)

all for the female.

This can have some interesting parallels to humans.  When it comes down to it, the female chooses. **

This is because the female is the natural guardian of her young, and she would be wise to choose the strongest, most beautiful mate to give her offspring the best chances at survival.

NOW with this understood we might say that the girl has the most power in the situation.  Theoretically, she has a whole line-up of potential mates to choose from.

BUT there is a catch:

The female must painfully watch countless contestants exert their efforts in vain.  

{If I were the girl giraffe, I would be rolling my eyes--
or telling the peacock "please, just stop."}

And so here I sit

waiting 

as patiently as humanly possible

and dismissing the suitors with a sigh.

**You can argue this all you want, but a guy can propose many times until a girl agrees to marry him, where a female may reject as many times as she desires, until she chooses one.

"OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING"

So, I have been seeing a lot of sunrises lately.  Yes, this means I have been awake early in the morning. But, I rather enjoy it.  Unlike most people... I am a morning person.

Maybe it is because sunrises are far better than sunsets.  

Maybe it is because I love fresh starts.

But there is nothing more pleasing than seeing the sun pop up from behind the mountains...

So here I dedicate this post to a fresh start.

to a new school year.

to a new apartment.

to new roommates.

to a new ward.

to being single once again.

to a new morning.

These are the opening lines in Chapter 3 of my life.

"Oh what a beautiful morning....everything's going my way"

DEAR CANDIS AND CORIN

I suppose I can dedicate a post to Corin, since she represents half of my fan club...

{But just you watch, the hype will get going soon.  I can just feel it.

Who can resist a spirited girl's blog that is laced with engineering jokes??}

I know, right?!  That's what I thought!!

So I heard that the question on the streets these days is who is this Jordan character that seems to appear in every single one of my posts?  No longer will you have to satisfy your curiosity by squinting at the hiking photos which are much too small to do any justice.....


I have a bigger and better photo for all (ok. fine. I have like, two followers at this point) of you guys!

Everyone, meet Jordan....

{scroll down as you create your own drum roll sound effect}

I think I just heard everyone sigh as if they were watching the sappy ending of a chick flick.

Oh get over yourselves--it is ok to sigh like that every once in a while.  

Remember: The act of admitting it is the first step in overcoming your hopeless romanticism.

DATING TRIANGLE

Do you see this? This is what I came across in my friday night date's apartment. (I blatantly took a picture. Didn't even try to take it sneakily).

1.Looks

2.Spirituality

3.Intelligence.

CHOOSE 2 ONLY

How comforting.

Since I was his date, I wonder which two I fall under.

And which one I don't....

LET THEM EAT CAKE

I am so sad that my cake decorating class is finished.

my culminating masterpiece:


This is what I call bait. I swear that men flock whenever food is present. Especially cake.
So I guess I am sad that this class is over on more than one level...


Anyone want to sign up for course 2 with me??

WHAT I LEARN AT COLLEGE

Today, many dating secrets were revealed to me with an equation presented in my statics class.

(I know what you are thinking-it is not supposed to be statistics. It really is statics. Think physics on steroids.)


NEWTONS LAW OF GRAVITATIONAL ATTRACTION



The above equation describes the gravitational force "F" between two objects
where m₁ and m₂ are two masses, respectively

r is the distance between the masses

and G is a constant.


Therefore, the more obese the couple is, the more the force of their attraction goes up. Just increase the "m" values and watch "F" go up...

AND

This is why long distance relationships never work out. If you increase "r" too much, the force of attraction goes dramatically down because of the inverse square proportionality.

Everything I need to know about dating is in my statics textbook.

Now you know why my social life is a desert.